I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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