My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
