You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
