You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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