I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I think i got beer on your cat.
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