Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
