True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
