my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
