The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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