I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
