I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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