He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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