You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
