It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
