I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
