Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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