if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
