Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
