The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
where are my eyebrows?
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