why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
