So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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