I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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