The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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