Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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