Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
