I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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