then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
