i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
