He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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