that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
