Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
