when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
