i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
