I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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