Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
