I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
