im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
tell your sister to shave her snatch
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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