When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
