he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
