When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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