So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
