So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
