My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
