Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The best revenge is premature balding
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
