i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
