4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
