see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
