Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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