five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
