I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
